Stars including Frances McDormand, Spike Lee and Salma Hayek abounding the Vanity Fair post-Oscars affair on March 4. (Reuters)
BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — Y’all, we accept a problem. Helllllp, we accept been aggravating for a acceptable 12 account to get some of the deep-fried macaroni assurance anybody abroad is bistro at Vanity Fair’s Oscars after-party. But the aboriginal time we approved to stop a aide in a white banquet anorak it angry out to be Timothée Chalamet, and the added time it angry out to be James Marsden, and now we accept to counterbalance abeyant embarrassment adjoin macaroni balls, so we’ll try one added time — tap tap tap — and the white-jacketed amount starts to turn, and oh dear, you apperceive what? This accurate white actual does absolutely not feel waiter-like at all, does it? Pardon us, Rashida Jones.
Vanity Fair! The Oscars concluded two hours ago, so now it’s time for the adorned bodies to get abroad from cameras and go to alike adherent off-the-record parties — and that is breadth we are, currently ambuscade abaft Chadwick Boseman so Jones doesn’t see us. We are alone assuming to be fancy, continuing on Hollywood’s best absolute aboveboard footage, all while secretly demography addendum on our iPhone.
Let’s activate at the beginning, shall we? Aback Adam Rippon was advanced of us in the aegis line, we did the affable affair and complimented him on his covering S&M harness. “Gosh, thanks!” he said, and afresh we’d done it. We’d fabricated it inside.
“Inside” is the Wallis Annenberg Center for the Assuming Arts, breadth a red carpeting contains every acclaimed actuality you accept anytime heard of and where, somewhat incongruously, an all-male a cappella accumulation is assuming a active arrangement of “Brown Eyed Girl.”
“Yaaaaaas!” screams Emily Blunt as she enters the red carpeting and encounters the singing. (Is Emily Blunt an a cappella fan?)
“WOOOOO,” Saoirse Ronan yells as she, too, emerges from the aegis gantlet and sees the group. (Are . . . are they all a cappella fans?)
“Get a amount of these guys!” Dermot Mulroney says in wonder, and — and you apperceive what? Just, no. No, the celebrity akin of action over a cappella is starting to awe-inspiring us out; it is time to abscond into the capital party, because Jon Voight is now additionally accepting badly stoked by this arrangement of Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean.”
We accept to be honest: We had afraid about the accompaniment of the Vanity Fair party. We acclimated to see Harvey Weinstein here; this was his crowd. We already spent 20 minutes eavesdropping on Louis C.K. Afterwards the apple-pie ambit of alarming Hollywood men, and afterwards celeb-editor Graydon Carter’s retirement aftermost fall, we wondered whether the affair would alternate on.
But! Actuality we are, and actuality is new editor Radhika Jones — my God, she is alpine — and here, in abode of the gross men, is best extra Frances McDormand, beginning off her barn-burning accepting accent about gender inclusion. And, Twitter tells us, alike fresher off addition aggravating to abduct her Oscar at the commemoration location. “Don’t put it bottomward again!” she warns the acquaintance captivation the bronze now, as she slings an arm about Willem Dafoe.
Here, in abode of the gross men, is Ronan Farrow, whose New Yorker commodity about Weinstein helped set off the aboriginal purge. He’s captivation cloister for a army of admirers who appetite to apperceive how he got the story.
“I was actual accurate about anecdotic a lot of those people,” he is saying. “And by the way, he alleged me and threatened me,” he is saying. And we apprehend he is talking about journalism, but because that’s already our day job the chat is starting to feel actual office-partyish, so —
Is that Caitlyn Jenner? Is that Caitlyn and assorted Jenners/Kardashians?
Is that late-night host James Corden, amusement audibly at a antic whose punchline allegedly complex a camel.
Is that Donald Glover tête-à-tête with Janelle Monáe?
This, the accustomed abode of the stars, has a way of absolute which ones absolutely like anniversary other. Which ones are absolutely aflame to sit bottomward calm over a brazier of absurd chicken, which is a absolute affair they canyon out at this party.
Greta Gerwig and Patricia Clarkson: Friends.
Connie Britton and Aaron Paul: Friends.
Faye Dunaway and addition called Jillian: Friends, we guess, because Dunaway keeps calling, “Where is Jillian!” as admirers appear up to her and murmur, “a triumph, a triumph,” about the actuality that her best-picture presentation didn’t blast this year.
Kobe Bryant is sitting on a doughy armchair with his Oscar for best activated abbreviate aback a bistered leans over and whispers, “Allison Janney to your right.” She has a accent of articulation that makes it complete like this was allotment of a plan, as if Bryant bare to be alerted if Janney was nearby. He starts to bound up. “Not appropriate now,” the bistered says. “You don’t charge to go now.”
But it becomes credible that Bryant does charge to go now, he wants to go now; afterwards beneath than bristles abnormal of impatiently jiggling his leg, he’s on his anxiety again. But there are too abounding bodies in the way — Mark Hamill is in the way — and Bryant’s eyes chase aimlessly for Janney. Aback he assuredly alcove her, he is athrill and she is accommodating as they bop the active of their Oscars together.
“More Oscars on the way,” a publicist-type discloses to those aural earshot, and the army heaves against the aperture in anticipation.
Outside, camera shutters click. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting, and — Benjamin Bratt? Boo.
But this is what happens: Absorb abundant time about the A-list, and you alpha to become dismissive of the affectionate of acclaimed bodies who, if you saw them in the grocery store, you would absorb the abutting four months aloof about it to your friends.
While cat-and-mouse for the promised arrival of Oscars, we adventure to the ladies room, breadth the articles are all L’Occitane, and breadth a nice woman easily us the soap, and that woman is Tiffany Haddish.
“Love your dress,” the woman abutting to her says.
“I feel developed up,” says the “Girls Trip” star, who has afflicted into article structured and chartreuse, her third clothes of the day.
“You charge be on the Bulletproof Diet,” the dress-admirer continues. “You know. Bulletproof Diet? Butter in the coffee?”
“Butter in the coffee? WHAT! That is CRAZY! Butter in the coffee.” Haddish leaves the bore area, still amused by this recipe, pausing to bellow, “PROSPERITY!” to a accumulation of women cat-and-mouse in the bath line. It makes no sense, but somehow it makes all the sense? Somehow now Haddish and the women are adhering and demography selfies and talking about changeable friendship?
Because ladies’ crumb apartment are places of adherence and support, alike amid the affluent and famous. Because aloof alfresco the restroom, on a clover couch in the ladies lounge, Emma Watson charge be accepting some array of crisis of confidence, but a acquaintance is captivation Watson’s face in her easily and murmuring, “You are amazing. You are amazing. Your face is so symmetrical.”
Suddenly, in the balmy cushion of the crumb room, we appetite to action our adulation and support, too. Prosperity and agreement for all.
Out of the bathroom area, accomplished addition white-jacketed aide — whoops, nope, it’s best aboriginal cine champ Jordan Peele — and out assimilate the patio breadth Patrick Stewart is affably deflecting the hardly agitable fandom of a woman who “saw ‘Logan’ three times. In the theater. Three times.”
“Thank you,” he murmurs repeatedly, beat aback inside, breadth he appears captivated to see Mary J. Blige.
Finally, the promised added Oscars accept arrived, in the anatomy of Sam Rockwell and Gary Oldman, but we acquisition we can’t get there, because we are somehow sitting abutting to Kobe Bryant again, and appropriate in advanced of us, the sausage of Hollywood is actuality made:
“We were talking about accomplishing a new cine with an African American superhero,” a business-looking guy pitches. “So if you would like to be a allotment of that . . .”
“Sure,” Bryant says.
“I could set up a cafeteria or banquet with Stan Lee.”
“I already took it to Leonardo DiCaprio, and he would like to be a allotment of it.”
Wait? Is it this easy? Cafeteria or banquet with Stan Lee? Get Frances McDormand in on that. #InclusionRiders.
Oof. It’s late. Suddenly, the boundless Hollywoodness of it all has beat us down.
Our buzz is active out of batteries (#TimesUp!); we can’t booty addendum abundant best (Get Out!).
The big stars accept all mostly broadcast anyway, and the waiters are acrimonious up abandoned glasses. We apprehend a rumor of an Uber stand. Charge acquisition the Uber stand. We access one of the white-coated waiters for abetment in this matter, and as we get afterpiece the white-coated amount turns to face us, and —
Crap. It’s Laura Dern.
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